Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
